Because if you don’t know anything about a subject you cannot even ask questions about it.
And I didn’t know anything about how much violence
and abuse actually affects my life, or affected…
Now I know better
and I have the responsibility to step up and do better.
But it takes a lot to make “do better” a habit.
We are born into other peoples habits of language and behaviour.
And we learn that these habits are normal and ok, even if some of them are not good or suitable for a lovely and meaningful life…. and we take these habits with us, …. if we are not conscious in every moment of our life.
I have been very conscious and have unchosen kids for many years because I knew something was wrong, not with me, but with my learning and understanding of what I could aim for and what I deserved in my life.
And then as 40 years old I get the lovely chance of creating a traditional family, I took it, but the dream cracked and now as 42 year old I’ve been spending one year in figuring out how to live a happy life with my son.
Of course I got hit by the past, but luckily my age and my experiences in life had made me a conscious parent. That doesn’t mean that I believe that a young mother cannot be a conscious parent. But with my background and my story it was the best for me to be a late mum.
Because if I had known that the abuse and violence that I’ve experienced could affect me in the way it did later on in my life. Then I would have certainly done something about it before… but I didn’t know it then…
Now I realised that my bad experiences have messed up my habits and thereby my dreams and the work I did for achieving them,
because I continued to live my life in bad cycles.
Of course a lot of good things had happened and I am who I am.
But for a long time in my life after realising my deeper challenges of my past, I couldn’t stop thinking about which choices in my life would have been different if I didn’t continue to be with abusive people.
But really I didn’t know about the affects of trauma
until I got my own child,
until I got thrown back into my own past and realised what has happened when I was a tumbler. Because in difficult situations with my son, I realise what I instinctively want to do.
Luckily with the knowledge I have now, I know it’s wrong, so I have to find a new way of fixing the situation with my son. And after fixing that situation I have to spend some time with fixing my wounds from my time as a tumbler. Because my instinct tells me what happened to me, when it tells me what to do to my son in a difficult situation. And sometimes that really hurts. Because it is not something I want to do.
And if I knew that my problems as a teenager derived from my trauma as a tumbler, then I would have done something about it. But I didn’t.
And if I knew that my traumas as a teenager would affect my pre adult life, then I would have done something about it. But I didn’t.
I believed that I could handle the traumas myself but I couldn’t.
And for a long time I didn’t know I was living in abusive relationships, friends, work, family…
Now I know myself better, and everyday I work on knowing myself better and how to deal with myself in difficult and challenging situations.
I know myself enough to know my limits, my joys, my sorrows and it gives me this lovely inner peace, even if chaos is around me.
I know my shadow sides and I also know when I fuck it all up. And I can say sorry.
How about you ?
Do you know yourself ?
Can you say sorry when you hurt somebody?
Can people tell you sorry?
The better you know yourself – the better you know other people too.
Sometimes in my life I have felt that I was deselected from a group. A part of family. Friendships. Friends from sport, school, colleagues…
When they did something together without inviting me.
This article is about the vocabulary meaning of “deselect”, how I feel about it and how to deal with it, when feeling deselected.
The meaning of deselected is this:
So the 2nd meaning deselect is that a person is rejected from a certain position.
Normally it would be in politics, but still – the physical meaning of deselect is to reject and thereby take something away from somebody that they was a part of.
That can hurt quite bad. Special in family.
There are many reasons for not wanting to see another person, one to one. And the other party of course needs to respect that. And that calls out for another article.
Here I look more if you are deselected from a group. In groups you are excluded of something that you normally is a part of.
Because when you are deselected you are also in the same time excluded. You are not part of that group.
Of course in some occasion you cannot be together always.
But when you instinctively can feel the bad energy in your body and mind, then it is because you could have been part of that event, and you would have invited if you took the initiative, because you feel the togetherness.
And when the togetherness is not returned. Then it hurts.
I remember that the feeling I was left with, realising I was deselected, was really hurt.
I felt lonely, I felt a big black whole in my stomach.
I couldn’t think clearly, I got confused when I had to do things that I normally do without even thinking. I felt sad, some days I ate a lot, other days nothing. I couldn’t keep up with appointments, I didn’t brush my teeth regularly…
I wanted to escape even if I was in my own apartment, while at the same moment I wanted to hide.
It could take days to get back on track, and in the mean time I’ve lost important appointments or cancelled work, because I didn’t have energy to do anything afterwords.
So when I realised that I had to change life style, it helped a lot.
Like really a lot.
But when I became a mum I got back in the trap, and got back in old habits, old communications with people
who in the end doesn’t wish me my best on my behalf, more on their behalf, and that doesn’t work.
(I’m gonna write about that in a future post, the most important skill in communication, self communication)
So I realised that I was back in a mill that didn’t work, I realised it by writing journal every day. I was trying to be part of a group, who in one way exposed their wanting for a relationship, but I couldn’t get to know the rules fully, and I could se that I was not part of the important collaboration of each other wellbeing and grow.
I felt like a check on a to do list.
So when I tried to speak my experience I got met with contra accusations, denial or even silence. Like: It’s your own fault or we didn’t know…. or that was not what happened. So what is happening is that my feelings of a situation are denied of the people creating that feeling in me.
That is so mind fucking that it should be illegal.
It takes me 2-3 days to get over experiences like this.
So again I was left with no time for working consistently and with progress. And a baby to take care of.
And when I realised that even when I was with my son I had all this in my head, I couldn’t concentrate on his needs, and one day I even started to yell at him, just because he wanted me to help him.
I excused to him immediately and I cuddle him I feel that he forgave me.
But I really realised what deselection can do to a person, and I can handle it when I am alone, but now I am a mum, I have to have clear lines and nurturing relationships that makes me feel good. Even if we don’t agree. And that is what I choosed to concentrate about.
Honest long term relationships, that help me feel comfortable, who tells me when I do wrong, who tells me sorry when they did me wrong.
I want to be a calm mum with time and energy for my kid. And I can only be that when I can trust that I know what people think about me, I can trust that I know the rules and trust that I am a part of the bigger picture in collaboration with that group.
I mean – I am not a teenager anymore, I am grown up person, 43 years old, and I know that when my mind is busy being in fight or flight mode I don’t get anywhere.
I felt like an ingredient in other peoples soup.
So my cure was this.
I created my own soup. What do I like in the soup and what do I not like in that soup.
And then when I have listed the positive ingrediens I got a chok seeing what/who was on that list or not.
I realised that some people makes me feel that I am not good enough, that I should do better, without knowing how, that I am this little check on the to do list, then I get nervous and it affects my daily life and my chances to work with a flow. And that has spoiled a lot of opportunities my way.
This is why I share this with you. Step away from people saying you are the drama queen when it is actually them making drama when you feel excluded or deselected.
I am grown up in family where deselection was a part of the culture, so when I was little I got my own defence mechanism. Some of them not healthy at all, but I didn’t know better until I became a mum myself and experienced the same.
With a child I had to create a totally new soup,
and I started by cutting of all my time on social media, only 30 minutes a day,
and then I started following you tubers who talked about bullisme.
I made daily journal in order to be sure that I didn’t remember things wrong.
I cut down my own to do list with 75% in order to be able to recover well and to be able to be a good mum for my son.
I am not a victim – I am a lightworker and that is why I disrupt behaviour like that. And yet again that is another story.
If you want more knowledge about bullisme you can find Chateau Marie right here, todays quote on her blog is that there is no reason to be a victim if people throw stones at you. You can build something of what they throw… And that is what I am doing…
Thanks for reminding me.
Thanks for following.
Thanks for liking and commenting.
All the Best
Piece 4 Love
ps. this blog has changed from being a sustainable fashion blog to a blog about life. I realised that I have never known myself which has brought a lot of unnecessary conflicts and disruptions in my life. I realised late in my life that the dysfunctional experiences in my childhood has had a really big impact and affect on why I have had so many problems, and this is why I share with you, so you faster than me can enjoy your life to the fullest.
When I arrived here at the planet in this body, I had some difficulties in finding out how do I fit in?
3 thoughts really occypying my mind.
Why all this asfalt?
Where are all my horses?
And how come the adults treat us kids so bad?
Yelling at us, maybe hitting us, and maybe other real cruel things.
Then putting us into institutions with other adults.. maybe not that cruel in Denmark but still the languages of the adults could be so harming and surpressing –
That sometimes I thought –
why did they even work here or why did they even wish me here on earth.
Then I had a realisation (I was playing with some toycats and I got angry with GOD because he didn’t play with me and the cats and that I had to sit here all by myself)
…the realisation was that I had been here before, and there was something I didn’t learn last time I was here… and then came to me that I chose myself to come again, because of the unfinished business.
It was before I met my best friends mum who is Buddhist.
I think I was about 3-4 years old.
Today I am 43 years old.
I have never fittet into society
I have never found a ”real” job
I don’t have a house or a dog or a car
I don’t have a pension
But what I do though have is
a good payable apartment
a bigger life experience than I ever imagined, and I want to experience more
I have had the pleisure to be a home mommy with my son for 2 years from when he got born, I’ve paid it myself, instead of saving the money I got from my beloved grandmother now on the other side.
It was a choice, and I am so grateful today that I ’ve had that possibility. Thank You Grandma <3
Time ago my Astrologer JonnaStardust told me to see my self as a butterfly that flies from place to place.
And actually – when I think like that I fit in.
I don’t fit in when I think of me being a working human being from 7-16.
But I love to work. But in another way.
Now in this era of human beings life we don’t only need clarity, now we also need force and action in order to save the children.
Why do I say this, because it’s the most important action we can do in order to create a world where everybody feel they fit in.
But not by producing more toys or clothings, but by producing more consciuos parenting and we do that by creating more conscious living first.
By saving our self first from past guilt and past traumas.
And starting to work with our children, the nature and with the animals and not against them.
And my biggest message
here is our soul is not hurted from our traumas –
We cannot hurt the soul,
only the body and the ego mind can get hurt.
Because remember when we meditate; we say –
I am not this body nor am I this mind –
So what has happened to us in every past
harmed our body and our mind
but never our soul.
This is why souls come back in order to finish
what they came here for.
If the mission is not fulfilled the souls will come back,
no matter what happened in previous times here on earth.
Souls, just like you and I
We are all free
We are all equal
We are untouchable
And we already fit in.
This means that
when you litterally can step away from your ego and your mind
(and your circumstances and the people around you ), then you start feeling your soul and you can start working from there.
This is what I did and still do – in order to let my soul rule, and wauw did it rule in this post, never had I ever let my mind and ego that much away.
I felt like I fitted just perfectly in.
PS. Would you like to get some exclusive knowledge on how to deal with change in life ?
because values are the principles and standards of behaviour; of what is important in life.
From what you spend your time on doing – is where you create your future.
This is why it is so important to know ones values in order to create the life that make you happy.
I actually didn’t know that when I was 20.
I started to hang out with people with whom I had one interest in common.
But there was a lot of situations where we didn’t have the same values. But I sticked to that group, and I actually had a lot of conflicts, just because …
we didn’t have the same values.
Furthermore I was grown up with a lot of discussions about whether my values and wishes was justified.
Of course all wishes and values cannot be met, but at least they can be listened to and acknowledged.
Sometimes when we are told something several times we start believing in it, specially when we are children and trust with our hearts the primary care person/s in our life.
I didn’t know that I had to live by my values in order to create a life based on what I like.
So instead of going all in – creating my life on my own values, I kept created a life based on other people’s values.
So actually I was never happy deep down, only ok.
Maybe sometimes I got a little insane because my inner voice told me something but my inner pleaser wanted me to do something else.
And for many years I struggled between pleasing other people and figuring out how to be happy myself.
When I look back at my life 20 years ago, I had an idea of what my values were.
But I got so confused, because I had difficulties in finding the crowd where I felt I belong.
I was a little a ahead with my values.
I wanted clean water, clean air and clean food.
And in the peak of the 90’ies and the 00’es these were not common values.
I tried olive after the values of the capitalism and the consumerism.
But little were I happy.
When I became a mum I had to go back and remember my values in order to create
a perfect balance between my own values
and the values of my son.
It wasn’t easy and I am still working on it.
But I am doing it and I am changing.
This time deliberately.
And I like it.
If you want to know how I deal with change
please get my Freebee right here:
ps. I am a little late with this post, but I am trying to go with the flow, and not demand to much of myself, the astrological aspects suggests to take everything easy. And my life gets easier when I flow with the energies around us.