What I wanted to know

What I wanted to know,

without knowing that I wanted to know it.

Because if you don’t know anything about a subject
you cannot even ask questions about it.

And I didn’t know anything about how much violence

and abuse actually affects my life, or affected…

Now I know better

and I have the responsibility to step up and do better.

But it takes a lot to make “do better” a habit.

We are born into other peoples habits
of language and behaviour.

And we learn that these habits are normal and ok,
even if some of them are not good or suitable
for a lovely and meaningful life….
and we take these habits with us, ….
if we are not conscious in every moment of our life.

I have been very conscious and have unchosen kids for many
years because I knew something was wrong,
not with me,
but with my learning and understanding of what I could aim
for and what I deserved in my life.

And then as 40 years old I get the lovely chance of creating a
traditional family, I took it,
but the dream cracked and now as 42 year old I’ve been
spending one year in figuring out how to live a happy life
with my son.

Of course I got hit by the past,
but luckily my age and my experiences in life had
made me a conscious parent.
That doesn’t mean that I believe that a young mother
cannot be a conscious parent.
But with my background and my story it was the best for me
to be a late mum.

Because if I had known that the abuse and violence
that I’ve experienced could affect me in the way it did
later on in my life.
Then I would have certainly done something about it before…
but I didn’t know it then…

Now I realised that my bad experiences have messed up my
habits and thereby my dreams and the work I did
for achieving them,

because I continued to live my life in bad cycles.

Of course a lot of good things had happened
and I am who I am.

But for a long time in my life after realising
my deeper challenges of my past,
I couldn’t stop thinking about which choices in my life
would have been different
if I didn’t continue to be with abusive people.

But really
I didn’t know about the affects of trauma

until
I got my own child,

until I got thrown back into my own past
and realised what has happened when I was a tumbler.
Because in difficult situations with my son,
I realise what I instinctively want to do.

Luckily with the knowledge I have now, I know it’s wrong,
so I have to find a new way of fixing the situation with my son.
And after fixing that situation I have to spend some time with
fixing my wounds from my time as a tumbler.
Because my instinct tells me what happened to me,
when it tells me what to do to my son in a difficult situation.
And sometimes that really hurts. Because it is not something
I want to do.

And if I knew that my problems as a teenager derived
from my trauma as a tumbler,
then I would have done something about it. But I didn’t.

And if I knew that my traumas as a teenager would affect my
pre adult life, then I would have done something about it.
But I didn’t.

I believed that I could handle the traumas myself
but I couldn’t.

And for a long time I didn’t know I was living in abusive
relationships, friends, work, family…

Now I know myself better,
and everyday I work on knowing myself better
and how to deal with myself in difficult
and challenging situations.

I know myself enough to know my limits, my joys,
my sorrows and it gives me this lovely inner peace,
even if chaos is around me.

I know my shadow sides and I also know when I fuck it
all up. And I can say sorry.

How about you ?

Do you know yourself ?

Can you say sorry when you hurt somebody?

Can people tell you sorry?

The better you know yourself –
the better you know other people too.

Thanks for reading.

Do you have any questions about life let me know.

Send me an email anna@calledda.com