To Feel Deselected & What to do about it

Sometimes in my life I have felt that I was deselected
from a group. A part of family. Friendships.
Friends from sport, school, colleagues…

When they did something together without inviting me.

This article is about the vocabulary meaning of “deselect”,
how I feel about it
and how to deal with it, when feeling deselected.

The meaning of deselected is this:

So the 2nd meaning deselect is
that a person is rejected from a certain position.

Normally it would be in politics, but still –
the physical meaning of deselect is to reject and
thereby take something away from somebody that
they was a part of.

That can hurt quite bad. Special in family.

There are many reasons for not wanting to see another person,
one to one. And the other party of course needs to respect that.
And that calls out for another article.

Here I look more if you are deselected from a group.
In groups you are excluded of something that you normally
is a part of.

Because when you are deselected you are also
in the same time excluded. You are not part of that group.

Of course in some occasion you cannot be together always.

But when you instinctively can feel the bad energy
in your body and mind,
then it is because you could have been part of that event,
and you would have invited if you took the initiative,
because you feel the togetherness.

And when the togetherness is not returned. Then it hurts.

I remember that the feeling I was left with,
realising I was deselected, was really hurt.

I felt lonely, I felt a big black whole in my stomach.

I couldn’t think clearly, I got confused
when I had to do things that I normally do without even thinking.
I felt sad, some days I ate a lot, other days nothing.
I couldn’t keep up with appointments,
I didn’t brush my teeth regularly…

I wanted to escape even if I was in my own apartment, while
at the same moment I wanted to hide.

It could take days to get back on track, and in the mean time
I’ve lost important appointments or cancelled work,
because I didn’t have energy to do anything afterwords.

So when I realised that I had to change life style, it helped a lot.

Like really a lot.

But when I became a mum I got back in the trap,
and got back in old habits, old communications with people

who in the end doesn’t wish me my best on my behalf,
more on their behalf, and that doesn’t work.

(I’m gonna write about that in a future post, the most important skill in communication, self communication)

So I realised that I was back in a mill that didn’t work,
I realised it by writing journal every day.
I was trying to be part of a group,
who in one way exposed their wanting for a relationship,
but I couldn’t get to know the rules fully,
and I could se that I was not part of the important
collaboration of each other wellbeing and grow.

I felt like a check on a to do list.

So when I tried to speak my experience
I got met with contra accusations, denial or even silence.
Like: It’s your own fault or we didn’t know….
or that was not what happened.
So what is happening is that my feelings of a situation are
denied of the people creating that feeling in me.

That is so mind fucking that it should be illegal.

It takes me 2-3 days to get over experiences like this.

So again I was left with no time for working consistently
and with progress. And a baby to take care of.

And when I realised that
even when I was with my son I had all this in my head,
I couldn’t concentrate on his needs,
and one day I even started to yell at him,
just because he wanted me to help him.

I excused to him immediately and I cuddle him
I feel that he forgave me.

But I really realised what deselection can do to a person,
and I can handle it when I am alone, but now I am a mum,
I have to have clear lines and nurturing relationships
that makes me feel good. Even if we don’t agree.
And that is what I choosed to concentrate about.

Honest long term relationships, that help me feel comfortable,
who tells me when I do wrong,
who tells me sorry when they did me wrong.

I want to be a calm mum with time and energy for my kid.
And I can only be that when I can trust that I know what
people think about me, I can trust that I know the rules
and trust that I am a part of the bigger picture
in collaboration with that group.

I mean – I am not a teenager anymore, I am grown up person,
43 years old,
and I know that when my mind is busy being in fight or flight mode
I don’t get anywhere.

I felt like an ingredient in other peoples soup.

So my cure was this.

I created my own soup.
What do I like in the soup and what do I not like in that soup.

And then when I have listed the positive ingrediens
I got a chok seeing what/who was on that list or not.

I realised that some people makes me feel that I am not good enough,
that I should do better, without knowing how,
that I am this little check on the to do list,
then I get nervous and it affects my daily life
and my chances to work with a flow.
And that has spoiled a lot of opportunities my way.

This is why I share this with you.
Step away from people saying you are the drama queen
when it is actually them making drama
when you feel excluded or deselected.

I am grown up in family where deselection
was a part of the culture, so when I was little I got my own
defence mechanism. Some of them not healthy at all,
but I didn’t know better until I became a mum myself
and experienced the same.

With a child I had to create a totally new soup,

and I started by cutting of all my time on social media,
only 30 minutes a day,

and then I started following you tubers who talked about bullisme.

I made daily journal
in order to be sure that I didn’t remember things wrong.

I cut down my own to do list with 75%
in order to be able to recover well
and to be able to be a good mum for my son.

I am not a victim –
I am a lightworker and that is why I disrupt behaviour like that.
And yet again that is another story.

If you want more knowledge about bullisme
you can find Chateau Marie right here,
todays quote on her blog is that there is no reason to be a victim
if people throw stones at you.
You can build something of what they throw…
And that is what I am doing…

Thanks for reminding me.

Thanks for following.

Thanks for liking and commenting.

All the Best

Anna Ulrike

Piece 4 Love

ps. this blog has changed from being a sustainable fashion blog to a blog about life. I realised that I have never known myself which has brought a lot of unnecessary conflicts and disruptions in my life. I realised late in my life that the dysfunctional experiences in my childhood has had a really big impact and affect on why I have had so many problems, and this is why I share with you, so you faster than me can enjoy your life to the fullest.